Effective communication requires tact and positivity. There is a reason people used to kill the messenger of bad news. They are irritating. Nagging, being confrontational, or shaming is unpleasant and rarely induces the continuation of talking or even remaining in the near area. Communication that counts is effective, deliberate, and kind.
Let’s review some tips on the right and wrong ways to convey a message, be productive, and either keep the peace or create it.
Don’t say:
“What’s your problem?”
(It is a cranky response and is a complaint, not a question.)
Instead, say:
“You seem upset, Is there
anything you want to discuss or
change?”
Don’t say:
“Calm down.” (I guarantee that
they’ll be more upset than
ever. It is a harsh, unsympathetic directive.)
Instead, say:
“Something must have
happened, do you want to tell
me about it?”
Don’t say:
“Be logical.” (It’s really patronizing and a euphemism for calling someone stupid.)
Instead, say:
“I’m sorry I don’t understand.
I will tell you what I think you mean and you can
tell me what I’ve missed.”
Don’t say:
“You are dumb, heartless,
a nag, etc.” (Insults create distance, and character assassination is not good foreplay.)
Instead, say:
“Could we start over? I want to communicate well and settle all of our disagreements successfully. Please tell me what you want and need; then I will tell you what I want and need.”
Don’t say:
“Never or always” (Even
the worst of us gets it right
sometimes so it is both inaccurate and discouraging.)
Instead, say:
“Would you do me a favor?” (Then briefly state your current complaint and ask for the desired correction with no
past referencing.)
Conveying your true feelings is important, but how you convey them is just as important. When communicating,
avoid adding extra hurt or complications to the presenting problem.
A dispute can be healthy for a relationship if it’s done
respectfully and you both come out of it with better understanding when the conflict is resolved. For optimal connection, follow the suggestions below.
Rules of Engagement
Be very specific when you introduce your complaint.
• State what change would satisfy your complaints.
• Get feedback to make sure they’ve heard you.
• Deal with only one issue at a time.
• Be prepared to compromise.
• Never assume; ask.
If it’s not going well, stop and set a time to talk again when neither of you is tired, overwhelmed, or under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
The Keeping Connected Rule Book
Don’t dredge up the past
Sleep as naked and as close as you can.
Go to bed mad. Things seem different in the morning and the discussion will be less dramatic.
Listen without interrupting and set a time limit on the length of expression.
• Keep tour love’s strong points and what you love about them on
your mind: positive regard is essential for a good attitude.
• Talk about your partner positively to others. If you need to vent, do so
to your mate’s fans or your therapist.
• Be happy on your own: happiness is infectious.
• Join your partner in some of their choices and be cheerful about it.
• Clear the air: when something bothers you, speak up
and suggest an alternate behavior. No one reads
minds.
• Make all of your communications kind.
• Develop a sense of timing: bring up the harder issues when he
• Give the gift of gratitude and appreciation: let them know they are a
success at making you happy.
There is a bright side to fighting and that is moving forward with
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