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Effective communication requires tact and positivity. There is a reason people used to kill the messenger of bad news. They are irritating. Nagging, being confrontational, or shaming is unpleasant and rarely induces the continuation of talking or even remaining in the near area. Communication that counts is effective, deliberate, and kind.

Let’s review some tips on the right and wrong ways to convey a message, be productive, and either keep the peace or create it.

Don’t say:

“What’s your problem?”

(It is a cranky response and is a complaint, not a question.)

Instead, say:

“You seem upset, Is there

anything you want to discuss or

change?”

Don’t say:

“Calm down.” (I guarantee that

they’ll be more upset than

ever. It is a harsh, unsympathetic directive.)

Instead, say:

“Something must have

happened, do you want to tell

me about it?”

Don’t say:

 “Be logical.” (It’s really patronizing and a euphemism for calling someone stupid.)

Instead, say:

“I’m sorry I don’t understand.

I will tell you what I think you mean and you can

tell me what I’ve missed.”

Don’t say:

“You are dumb, heartless,

a nag, etc.” (Insults create distance, and character assassination is not good foreplay.)

Instead, say:

“Could we start over? I want to communicate well and settle all of our disagreements successfully. Please tell me what you want and need; then I will tell you what I want and need.”

Don’t say:

“Never or always” (Even

the worst of us gets it right

sometimes so it is both inaccurate and discouraging.)

Instead, say:

“Would you do me a favor?” (Then briefly state your current complaint and ask for the desired correction with no

past referencing.)

Conveying your true feelings is important, but how you convey them is just as important. When communicating,

avoid adding extra hurt or complications to the presenting problem.

A dispute can be healthy for a relationship if it’s done

respectfully and you both come out of it with better understanding when the conflict is resolved. For optimal connection, follow the suggestions below.

Rules of Engagement

Be very specific when you introduce your complaint.

• State what change would satisfy your complaints.

• Get feedback to make sure they’ve heard you.

• Deal with only one issue at a time.

• Be prepared to compromise.

• Never assume; ask.

If it’s not going well, stop and set a time to talk again when neither of you is tired, overwhelmed, or under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

The Keeping Connected Rule Book

Don’t dredge up the past

Sleep as naked and as close as you can.

Go to bed mad. Things seem different in the morning and the discussion will be less dramatic.

Listen without interrupting and set a time limit on the length of expression.

• Keep tour love’s strong points and what you love about them on

your mind: positive regard is essential for a good attitude.

• Talk about your partner positively to others. If you need to vent, do so

to your mate’s fans or your therapist.

• Be happy on your own: happiness is infectious.

• Join your partner in some of their choices and be cheerful about it.

• Clear the air: when something bothers you, speak up

and suggest an alternate behavior. No one reads

minds.

• Make all of your communications kind.

• Develop a sense of timing: bring up the harder issues when he

• Give the gift of gratitude and appreciation: let them know they are a

success at making you happy.

There is a bright side to fighting and that is moving forward with

RE-cap

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Getting Ready for Love

If you need to make personal changes, now is the time to start. These four guidelines will help improve your quality of life and self-market. Do your best to change what needs fixing. Don’t let it show with whatever isn’t fixable or if you are a work in progress. A date or a potential new friend is not a rabbi, priest, or therapist – it’s an opportunity. Do not present less desirable qualities or bad situations as the definition of who you are. If you tell someone that you are problematic and not worth their love or their interest right up front, they’ll probably do you the courtesy of believing you.

START FROM THE INSIDE OUT

Harried is not sexy. Your being overwhelmed signals that you don’t have the space in your life to be a good partner. Do what you need to do to achieve peace of mind. A relaxed attitude is attractive and sends a clear and lovely message that you have time for love.

Procrastination takes its toll psychologically. It keeps your mind cluttered and robs you of a sense of accomplishment. Procrastinators usually have overly long to-do lists. Be realistic. Do only what needs to be done. Either take a task off your list or get started. Then schedule time for you. Either believe or pretend you deserve personal, educational, and spiritual development and periods of R&R.

Evaluate criticism. Determine if the critique fits you. If so, you have been given a gift. If a criticism doesn’t fit, there’s a 90% chance that your critics are describing themselves. Be grateful for advice from healthy people who care about you. Do not accept critiques from toxic sources. It is useless negativity.

Compliment yourself. Being harsh on yourself will also make you harder on the others in your life. Self-accepting people are less likely to be judgmental toward their dates and mates.

THINGS TO DO AT HOME

Improve it. It’s your nest, so make it a place you want to be in — for playing, exercising, cooking, singing, dancing, praying, and relaxing. Fill it with wonderful aromas. Play music sweet to your ears. Create comfortable spaces for yourself and your guests.

Reduce clutter. Give away or dispose of what you don’t need or love, and organize the rest. It’s freeing and calming, and depending on where you donate, it might be tax deductible.

Turn off the phone, alerts, and notifications. Don’t answer when you need uninterrupted time for yourself or for building intimacy with loved ones. Date time should not be interrupted by cell phone calls or texts that are not emergencies. You and anyone you may want to love need breaks from the outside world.

Turn down the volume. Much of electronic media promotes negativity. Stay current and informed, but select a news source and entertainment that screens out gratuitous violence and keep the noise level at 30 or below to decrease noise pollution in your home.

THINGS TO DO OUTSIDE THE HOME

Divorce difficult friends. Almost everybody is occasionally hard to handle, and so are you. But do your sanity a favor and leave behind the people who are difficult all the time. They are almost always selfish and time-consuming They will hinder you in reaching your goals and, in the future, be a stress on the healthy, loving relationships you develop.

Recognize that your time is precious. Happiness is an attainable state of mind. Collect people who agree with this concept, and you are doubling your chances of maintaining it.

Don’t fix what works.  Not every relationship requires analysis. If there are problems, speak up and admit them. If they are solvable or of true importance, come up with solutions. If not, emulate the Scarlett O’Hara school of crisis management and “think about it tomorrow,” or drop it altogether. In happy relationships, at least one partner is good at differentiating little from big.

BEATING THE BLUES

Practice imperfection. Excellence is a goal that you are less likely to achieve if you are attempting to be perfect. Choose some areas to be adequate- package wrapping, thank you notes, returning all calls, for example. Life is more livable if you don’t try to be good at everything. Set daily and weekly priorities and regularly ask yourself if you are currently doing what matters to you.

Laugh a lot. If you don’t have a ready supply of humor, buy some. Go to comedy shows, and read amusing books, tapes, slogans, and posters. Then share what’s funny with others. Laughter is infectious, lifting the spirit and clearing the mind.

Smile. If you don’t, practice on small mammals and furniture. Add people you know. Proceed to people you don’t know.

Reduce expectations. Double the time you give yourself (and others) for tasks. Forgive mistakes regularly and rapidly.

PUSH POSITIVE BUTTONS

Get a perspective on depression. Much of it is circumstantial. When your adored family pet dies, you’ve been cruelly rejected, or your best friend moves across the country, sadness needs to be felt and experienced, not bottled. Loss is painful, and major loss is catastrophic for a while. The unexpressed feeling lasts longer, can get worse, and may come out much later in ways you could regret. But don’t let it drag past a healthy limit and become your excuse for limiting your life quality.

Be revealing to those you feel you want to know better and who are capable of understanding. Reveal yourself through stories of childhood, teenage experiences, and current feelings. Answer honestly when caring, trustworthy people ask how you are or if they can help.

Use emotional intelligence with effective communication. Which sentences are more effective:

“When you yell, I can’t listen because I get scared and defensive,” or “I hate it when you treat me like this.”

“Would you help me” or “You never help me.”

“Thank you for taking out the trash” or “It’s about time you took out this mess”.

The first choices are more likely to achieve a positive outcome. The second choices point out what they are doing wrong and are more likely to create an argument.

We all have baggage. Please limit yours to one carry-on bag in good condition.

Did you know that you can stay positive virtually all the time? It’s a choice. But what if you expect good and don’t always get the outcome you’re hoping for? Well, if you expect the worst, you won’t always get the desired results either. Choosing the brighter outlook produces time spent cheerful and happy instead of downtrodden by gloomy predictions. Doesn’t that make sense?

Do you have a positive outlook on life? Might you be in need of an attitude adjustment?

Even if you want to change it, better to have an attitude of good getting better than depress yourself by focusing on negatives.

Think about this:

Divorced is not pathetic. It is an opportunity for an upgrade. Even if he left you, more than likely you will live to see the day you thank him.

Becoming widowed leaves a painful void and life changes but your partner did not leave you willingly. Trust remains intact, and this trust can be a wonderful starting point for taking a risk on a brand new love adventure.

Never married doesn’t label you as the Great Unwanted. It simply means you never made a bad choice. The big plus is your relationship baggage is small enough to carry into a new love with less problems coming with you.

An imperfect commitment you don’t want to leave offers two choices. One, start finding, acknowledging, and saying out loud everything that is right about your partner. You never know – you might convince both of you this partnership is better than you think it is. Or, your other choice is to gently let it be and start focusing on your own self-improvement.

COVID has been a time of deepened appreciation for some couples, but it’s been a rude wake-up call verging on an extended nightmare for others. The happier couples were enjoying a honeymoon. The embattled ones were in teeth-gritting pain and avoiding contact for fear of bad getting worse and COVID provided meager opportunities for escape.

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