Getting Ready for Love
If you need to make personal changes, now is the time to start. These four guidelines will help improve your quality of life and self-market. Do your best to change what needs fixing. Don’t let it show with whatever isn’t fixable or if you are a work in progress. A date or a potential new friend is not a rabbi, priest, or therapist – it’s an opportunity. Do not present less desirable qualities or bad situations as the definition of who you are. If you tell someone that you are problematic and not worth their love or their interest right up front, they’ll probably do you the courtesy of believing you.
START FROM THE INSIDE OUT
Harried is not sexy. Your being overwhelmed signals that you don’t have the space in your life to be a good partner. Do what you need to do to achieve peace of mind. A relaxed attitude is attractive and sends a clear and lovely message that you have time for love.
Procrastination takes its toll psychologically. It keeps your mind cluttered and robs you of a sense of accomplishment. Procrastinators usually have overly long to-do lists. Be realistic. Do only what needs to be done. Either take a task off your list or get started. Then schedule time for you. Either believe or pretend you deserve personal, educational, and spiritual development and periods of R&R.
Evaluate criticism. Determine if the critique fits you. If so, you have been given a gift. If a criticism doesn’t fit, there’s a 90% chance that your critics are describing themselves. Be grateful for advice from healthy people who care about you. Do not accept critiques from toxic sources. It is useless negativity.
Compliment yourself. Being harsh on yourself will also make you harder on the others in your life. Self-accepting people are less likely to be judgmental toward their dates and mates.
THINGS TO DO AT HOME
Improve it. It’s your nest, so make it a place you want to be in — for playing, exercising, cooking, singing, dancing, praying, and relaxing. Fill it with wonderful aromas. Play music sweet to your ears. Create comfortable spaces for yourself and your guests.
Reduce clutter. Give away or dispose of what you don’t need or love, and organize the rest. It’s freeing and calming, and depending on where you donate, it might be tax deductible.
Turn off the phone, alerts, and notifications. Don’t answer when you need uninterrupted time for yourself or for building intimacy with loved ones. Date time should not be interrupted by cell phone calls or texts that are not emergencies. You and anyone you may want to love need breaks from the outside world.
Turn down the volume. Much of electronic media promotes negativity. Stay current and informed, but select a news source and entertainment that screens out gratuitous violence and keep the noise level at 30 or below to decrease noise pollution in your home.
THINGS TO DO OUTSIDE THE HOME
Divorce difficult friends. Almost everybody is occasionally hard to handle, and so are you. But do your sanity a favor and leave behind the people who are difficult all the time. They are almost always selfish and time-consuming They will hinder you in reaching your goals and, in the future, be a stress on the healthy, loving relationships you develop.
Recognize that your time is precious. Happiness is an attainable state of mind. Collect people who agree with this concept, and you are doubling your chances of maintaining it.
Don’t fix what works. Not every relationship requires analysis. If there are problems, speak up and admit them. If they are solvable or of true importance, come up with solutions. If not, emulate the Scarlett O’Hara school of crisis management and “think about it tomorrow,” or drop it altogether. In happy relationships, at least one partner is good at differentiating little from big.
BEATING THE BLUES
Practice imperfection. Excellence is a goal that you are less likely to achieve if you are attempting to be perfect. Choose some areas to be adequate- package wrapping, thank you notes, returning all calls, for example. Life is more livable if you don’t try to be good at everything. Set daily and weekly priorities and regularly ask yourself if you are currently doing what matters to you.
Laugh a lot. If you don’t have a ready supply of humor, buy some. Go to comedy shows, and read amusing books, tapes, slogans, and posters. Then share what’s funny with others. Laughter is infectious, lifting the spirit and clearing the mind.
Smile. If you don’t, practice on small mammals and furniture. Add people you know. Proceed to people you don’t know.
Reduce expectations. Double the time you give yourself (and others) for tasks. Forgive mistakes regularly and rapidly.
PUSH POSITIVE BUTTONS
Get a perspective on depression. Much of it is circumstantial. When your adored family pet dies, you’ve been cruelly rejected, or your best friend moves across the country, sadness needs to be felt and experienced, not bottled. Loss is painful, and major loss is catastrophic for a while. The unexpressed feeling lasts longer, can get worse, and may come out much later in ways you could regret. But don’t let it drag past a healthy limit and become your excuse for limiting your life quality.
Be revealing to those you feel you want to know better and who are capable of understanding. Reveal yourself through stories of childhood, teenage experiences, and current feelings. Answer honestly when caring, trustworthy people ask how you are or if they can help.
Use emotional intelligence with effective communication. Which sentences are more effective:
“When you yell, I can’t listen because I get scared and defensive,” or “I hate it when you treat me like this.”
“Would you help me” or “You never help me.”
“Thank you for taking out the trash” or “It’s about time you took out this mess”.
The first choices are more likely to achieve a positive outcome. The second choices point out what they are doing wrong and are more likely to create an argument.
We all have baggage. Please limit yours to one carry-on bag in good condition.
